Monday, May 30, 2016

I Threw Away A Bunch Of See's Chocolates This Morning!

WELL, it's like this!---Yesterday Bethany and I drove to the mall, per my request, to get some See's! Yum Yum! Lovely treat and reward for surviving the slip and getting back on track into sobriety! I also figure I should allow myself to have See's as often as I want these first 30 days if it helps me to not drink! You know, within reason so I don't gain weight!

I hand-picked the chocolatey morsels for my half-pound box. Bethany picked out a couple of pieces for herself, and I picked out some for Anna and Richard. It All Felt So Good! We were all smiles. 

OK, knowing I wouldn't drink, I just had to continue watching the Netflix series "Bloodline" even though it was mainly what triggered me to drink when I had my slip! Regardless, it's a good series! Funny how I ended up binge-watching Bloodline and binge-eating See's candy!

I woke up this morning with the fear-thought like a banner in my brain, "PREDIABETES!" and rather impulsively, but with purpose, opened my nightstand drawer, removed the box with several pieces of delectable sweets left in it---like Bordeauxs, and butter creams---and eagerly tossed the whole thing into the garbage can! No, I didn't want to give them to my loves; refined sugar really isn't anyone's friend, you know.

(BTW, as a rule I eat organic, non-GMO foods.)

I'm rationally assuming that prediabetes is a real threat to someone like me who sits for a living (not by choice!), and who is a bit overweight, and who consumed so much alcohol the past few years, and who is 59, and who has thyroid issues among other things!

I have been avoiding things like sugar and refined carbs for a long time for health reasons. I go easy on them in general. .....I need to get back to consuming more veggies though!

I'll probably be sticking with small amounts of 72+% cacao dark chocolate like organic Endangered Species brand. It's delicious! It's good for you! And it hits the spot and appeases the sweet tooth!

I'm so proud of myself right now!

Sunday, May 29, 2016

My Post At The 30-Day Forum This Morning

Day 15

Well, now I get to do Visualization for teetotaling!

When I posted the post above three months ago, I was still focused on moderating my drinking.

How things change!

I posted in Day 14 yesterday that I had slipped on Day 13 and drank after 12 days of being alcohol-free (and cannabis-free, but that's another story; I seem to only like cannabis when I'm drinking).

I wanted to simply pick up where I left off and not start the program over again (this is my second time, the first time I got as far as Day 24 in the book and I was still drinking, but not while working the program).

I'm taking extra steps to insure that I get 30 days in a row of abstinence in order to rewire my brain. And then I'll continue as a teetotaler.

My two daughters, in their early 20s, who live with me are policing my car keys, for one thing! :)

Day 13s overwhelming cravings completely blindsided me and I'm scared about when they hit again; it's like I become possessed, and it's really, really hard to endure.

I know I have two minds: the non-drinker and the drinker; two completely different minds.

The Visualization video was cool! I loved imagining blasting my drinking self to a million pieces!

That might work better for me than cradling her in my arms and saturating her with love--healing her with Love. We shall see...

 

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Oh Dear. Relapse With Drinking Happens

My post today at The-30-Day-Sobriety-Solution forum:


Goodness, I've been all over the place in my drinking/sobriety journey.

On May 15 I decided to quit drinking for good. I was absolutely craving-free for 12 days.

Yesterday I was totally blindsided by cravings, the desire to drink, and thoughts like, "I'll just go back to being a secret drinker like I did in 2013 and 2014 when I was successfully moderating." By moderating I mean I was drinking once or twice a month but usually to get drunk.

It was like I didn't even TRY to not give-in to the cravings last night. They were too strong.

It was like it wasn't even me, but someone else driving to the store, buying the vodka, bringing it home, and secretly drinking it while watching the Netflix series "Bloodline" which somehow triggered me. I was watching it when the cravings hit.

I planned on drinking moderately. I failed. I suffered greatly throughout the night and half of this day, especially emotionally. And, oh the fear and disappointment. Now I'm grateful about it because I want to get back to being a teetotaler and to make it last for life.

How TIMELY that today's Solution was about Relapse. I just devoured the article:




Blog readers, mercifully what happened was a humbling experience. I believe I truly was touched by an angel over two weeks ago and received a Divine Healing that seamlessly made me suddenly want to be a teetotaler. I thought that would make me exempt from having cravings. Especially because I was craving-free for 12 consecutive days.






Friday, May 27, 2016

It Wasn't All Bad!

First off, it's a good thing I couldn't be seen yesterday by anybody but my daughters! At my age, I do the night-sweats thing. (And daytime sweats too it seems.) Being so darn ME/CFS-crashy-sick, I didn't even have the energy or strength to take a three-minute rinse-off shower until 2 p.m. So, I'm glad no one could see me (or smell me!) in my cotton underwear and tank top! I have 14 pairs. That's a clue to how often I do my laundry. I don't mind breaking into sweats throughout the night at all. My bed is my private sweat lodge. I just pull up the covers tighter for the purpose of sweating out toxins (and hopefully some fat)!

After my uberly-refreshing shower (the Structured Water felt like a sacred cleanse), I didn't feel like watching TV, I was too fatigued and brain-fogged to read, and like a gift from heaven I happened to go to Amazon Prime and discover the movie, "A Walk In The Woods" with Robert Redford (yum. his wife is around my age), and Nick Nolte. Damn it was good. What an enthralling treat. I had no idea that flick was on Amazon Prime. And for me it was free!

The universe is always providing us with little gems of random kindnesses, isn't it!




Thursday, May 26, 2016

A Personal Present Story About ME/CFS

IT'S A FUCKING SERIOUS DISEASE, FOLKS!

Oh, sorry for yelling at you, it's nothing personal, it's just the Collective Consciousness of ME/CFS patients SCREAMING for acknowledgement and support by society.

GREAT new film link in right margin.

I'm so sick right now I feel like I'm dying. And all that happened to bring this about was getting my permanent new bridge at the dentist yesterday and not being able to sleep last night.

That's all I want to say because I'm not a whiner or complainer, and because I don't want to turn my readers off, and because I can barely even keep my eyes open right now.

Again and again I will always say---I'm one of the lucky ones with this dd (damn disease). I have a moderate case of it. I'll be back to my normal tomorrow. 95% of my peers would require a up to a week or more to recover.

Thank You for listening.  xo


Tuesday, May 24, 2016

I am participating in the Writing Contest!: Writers Crushing Doubt. Hosted by Positive Writer

What?? Me?!  Who woulda thunk it!

Positive Writer - Crushing Writer's Doubt

My entry:

I had recently quit drinking! Overcoming writer's doubt was a necessity, I think, to keep my inner booze hound at bay; after all, I was teetotaling it on my own this time, without help from a recovery group! The more I wrote my memoir, the more confidence I felt to keep writing that entire year of 2012. When I decided that my 55th birthday gift to myself that January was permanent sobriety, 1 1/2 months later I became nearly suicidally depressed until I started writing my heart-wrenching memoir. I'm not even sure how or why that idea to write popped into my mind instead of the idea to take-up the bottle again.

Oh wait, of course I remember why---I was writing to save my life. Not just from boozing, but from the bigger reason, which was my unfortunate abusive FOO (family of origin).

But I need to think deeper. What in the world finally got that life-long writer's doubt (WD) to not get in my way anymore? I clearly remember WD rearing it's Purpose-sucking head countless times that year, not unlike it's doing right now as I write this blog post for a writing contest! 

What was it? What was it?.... Think, girl, think. How did I DO it?! What finally freed me to write the book I'd been dreaming of writing my entire adult life?

Oh. Desperation.

Well, it worked. The mother of invention worked. Tried and true for centuries, no?

It's not something I would recommend to other writers, however! "Crush writer's doubt by becoming desperate!" HaHa. Or, "Crush writer's doubt by writing your heart out to keep from drinking!" Or how about, "Crush writer's doubt by writing to stay alive!"

Hm. My favorite way has to be what this meme says:


Uh Oh! I swear I'm not trying to kiss-up to win this contest! I swear I didn't even remember that this meme came from the Positive Writer e-newsletter, because that was way back in December 2014, I see. I simply love this thought, which is why I saved this image in my Writing folder, and which is why it's message popped into mind just now. If anything, this possibly being viewed as a bribe will prevent me from winning the contest! I Don't Mind. :)  Telling the truth, trusting my intuition, and following my blog-writing-way bliss is what makes my heart sing!

The more authentic I am as a writer? The more I "crush" WD!

I'm So Grateful to be actually entering my first writing contest ever (if memory serves), and to be required to do so through my beloved blog! Thank You, Bryan Hutchinson!

May You Be Blessed 

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Still Dazed And Amazed !

And still in shock too!, over my metamorphosis!
Gosh, it wasn't an easy or smooth one, and lots of factors were in play to create this transition, but DAMN how freakin' GOOD it feels to be FREE from alcohol and FOO+ !
And how I probably couldn't have even thought to free myself from alcohol again had I not chosen orphanhood.

I never did explain the part of the story of how I ended up choosing quitting drinking for good; the the dumb things I did, did I! I've lost interest in telling that story. :)  I'm more interested in the Divine Healing part of it!...

Like How I Haven't Had A Craving Or A Desire Or A Thought To Drink In 8 Days!!!

Now That's SOMETHIN'!

"And you can too!" ~ Stephen Colbert

I guess also, when it comes to booze, I'm the all-or-nothing type, which is why I couldn't do the 30-Day Reboot (quit drinking for 30 days) to figure out if I should cut-back or quit drinking, but had to quit drinking altogether cold-turkey. Did I word that so it makes sense?



Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Feeling Strong. And Want To Share A Divine Healing Experience!

I'm feeling so strong and confident, as a matter of fact, that I got to let my husband off the hook for babysitting me this week! It's a nice gift to be able to give him because he works so hard to provide for us and this is a not-so-good time for him to take vacation days from work.

There's much more to my story of healing, and it includes the series Grace and Frankie, and it includes drunk-dialing a beloved! But today I want to share this limited-time replay with you.

Listening to the live call from Anah Maa was the first catalyst in my Divine Healing (that's what I'm calling it, and I know it's real), from alcohol and back into precious teetotalism! I was touched by an Angel. I wept over what I was doing to myself with alcohol. Anah transmits Divine Love and Healing. No worries, listening to the replay is as Powerful as listening to the live call.

Awakening Heart Network replay - Anah Maa on Self Love

Her jaw-dropping bio (I read her book two years ago):

The Light at the End of the Tunnel is an inspiring true story about how Kelly Lynn (now, Anah Maa) overcame all odds and found the freedom and joy of her Soul.

Kelly was born into a sadistic satanic cult. For the first 12 years of her life, Kelly was sexually, physically, mentally and spiritually tortured. She was raped, sold into child prostitution, used as a sex slave and used in their sick and twisted child pornography ring. In the cult she experienced dark satanic rituals, sacrifices and mind control.

When Kelly was 12 years old, she was put into custody and was made a ward of the state,where she spent 5 long and difficult years in and out of group homes, jail cells, shelters, and psych wards. She had no awareness of the cult abuse, as her mind stored the horrible secrets away from her fractured mind until her father died. With his death the memories came like a torrent of pain threatening to drown her in a sea of horror.

For the next eight years, Kelly was on disability and in intensive therapy 24/7. Reliving the pain and anguish of the rituals she had witnessed, remembering the betrayal, and healing the devastating effects of torture was more than she could bear. All her therapists, doctors, specialists, even psychics told her she would never fully recover, that the abuse was too much; but this only fueled her to push harder.

Kelly would not be broken. She would not quit. She was determined to be free.
Anah Maa is now sharing her inspiring true story of how she was triumphant against all odds. In her new book, The Light at the End of the Tunnel, Anah Maa shares with you her journey out of the darkness of ritual abuse and into the light of her soul.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Head Still Spinning

I mean, come on, for 3 1/2 years I've been drinking again (details of my drinking history in my retired drinking blog; link above), didn't start having a problem until last year, but have been swearing up and down that I'd never quit drinking for good again.

And then, out of the blue, I'm declaring I'm quitting drinking for good again! Well, clearly, it was my ego that was the one committed to never quitting drinking again! No shame here!

It's a pretty good story that got me to this place. I'll tell it later when I'm feeling better. Right now I'm feeling scared and in shock and disappointed and confused. But I'm also feeling grateful, in Purpose, relieved, and free.

I don't trust myself at all though not to drink.

Since the first week is always the hardest, my loving husband (we're separated but best friends and co-parents), is actually taking time off from one of his demanding careers this week to babysit me. After all, I deserve this transition to be as easy as possible, and like every single soul--I deserve more love, not less.

I'm feeling safe today, Day 2, and tomorrow afternoon I have a dental appointment, so I know I won't want to drink before that, so Richard is going to drive me to the appointment because I don't trust myself not to stop at the booze store on the way home; and then he's going to hang-out here during the day for the rest of the week, until I feel grounded enough in sobriety to trust myself. He'll be able to work from here grading papers, as well as telecommuting for his engineering job. Richard is a Senior Aerospace Engineer for the Navy (as a civilian Federal employee), as well as a teacher at SDSU (the semester just ended). Isn't he wonderful?! 



Sunday, May 15, 2016

I Have No Qualms About Saying I Failed At Drinking

I've come to believe I have the gene and can't drink.

I'll tell a bit about what happened tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I sure am in good company. There is a long list of happy teetotalers!

 List Of Teetotalers!

Saturday, May 14, 2016

I'm A Double Aquarius (Sun And Moon). I Change My Mind A LOT!

I so totally drank on Thursday! (Not since then.) And to my yuge surprise, I didn't enjoy it very much.
But the thing is, it did give me the energy I craved (see yesterday's post), and the funny thing is that when I don't go overboard, the next day I have more energy too!

It's important to note that I am feeling very strong and very confident yesterday and today!

Thursday afternoon, Day 5 of abstaining from booze, I had an inspired conversation with 21 1/2-year-old Bethany before choosing to drink, my youngest brilliant daughter (I'm blessed with two brilliant daughters!), and she eventually gave me her blessing to break my commitment to not drink for 30 days, based on what we discussed. She's a social drinker, btw, who agreed to do the 30-day reboot with me.

You see, I was questioning my motives for doing the 30-day-reboot of abstinence (but not The 30-Day Sobriety Solution program itself, which I love); thinking I did it out of fear; thinking my FOO was my reason; thinking that now that I'm free of them I can go back to drinking once or twice a week; thinking I had to try; thinking I deserved to feel better and get some relief from the symptoms of ME/CFS (link in right margin).

After our chat I asked GodGoddessUniverse to show me a sign if I was to not drink. I would have honored a sign if it came. I'm big on signs. The universe is sending them all the time, you know, to all of us. Just like how last week when I was driving to the liquor store, my Intuition told me not to, and I went home instead, even though I wanted to drink (this was before I started the reboot). Intuition is your soul. Surrendering to GodGoddessUniverse (or whatever You want to call it) and always listening to, trusting, and honoring your Intuition is the only way to live. It's the only way to truly be happy. Even beloved atheists can do this! 
I am learning to cultivate these things!
I am learning to cultivate these things!
Surrendering. Asking For Help. Being Aware Of Signs. Listening To, Trusting, And Honoring Your Intuition --- Even If Your Ego Doesn't Like It! It's Not Always Easy Or Clear. Choosing Love Over Anything Else Every Chance You Get.

So, there was definitely no signs from above not to drink that day, and I even felt supported by the angels, but I did feel uncomfortable when I was taking the 6-pack out of the Bev Mo fridge. That was my Intuition. It wasn't a strong enough feeling to change my mind. Maybe I was meant to get that needed energy more than I was meant to not drink the beer.

Then there's the part about that I think of myself as a writer and for so many writers writing and drinking go hand in hand.

So, this free-spirited double Aquarius doesn't know what she's going to do until she does it when it comes to drinking. But she also tells the truth about it. No secrets. No lies. The Truth Shall Set You Free.

My heart's desire is still to drink once or twice a week, 1(one) - 5 standard drinks, sometimes 6. I am the happiest when that is my habit.

People need OPTIONS when they seek help for substance abuse because everyone is different. I list my favorite sources of support in the right margin of my retired Drinking Blog (link above).
Recovery Is An Inside Job. The right help is needed, but everyone has to create their own program and find their own formula and define sobriety for themselves.

I'm aligning myself with the Will of GodGoddessUniverse today. Even if my ego doesn't like it.
I love my ego/inner child, and ask it to come with me to the magical place of Integration. 
Balance Represents Integration Of The Ego.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Can't Forget The Number One Reason I Drank Rather Regularly

Never every day though. Just sayin'. Before Mother's Day I was averaging drinking every-other day, instead of my preferred once or twice a week, which is why I decided to try the Reboot (30 days abstinent). I took my drinking to that limit due to the hurt and stress I was experiencing on account of my FOO, which so greatly added even more fatigue. Not to mention sadness, grief, and PTSD.

THE GODDAMNED, UNBEARABLE, INDEFINABLE, OVERWHELMING, CRAZYASS, BONE-CRUSHING ME/CFS FATIGUE!  That's why!!---That's the number one reason I drank.

Now, I'm not one to whine or complain about my health, and that's the truth. But sometimes you just have to vent! And sometimes you just have to try to let people who can't understand what it's like hear a bit about what you're going through. The most understandable description for people seems to be that having this dd (damn disease) is like having the flu--That Never Goes Away.

I most often drank for ENERGY!

This dd is mercilessly debilitating. It is incurable and untreatable. Most people with ME/CFS take meds to help with the many symptoms, but my meds has always only been booze and pot. I'm an anti-meds girl in general. No offense. I see meds most often making people sicker and creating new illness in their poor bodies.

I'M ONE OF THE VERY SUPER LUCKY ONES WITH ONLY A MODERATE CASE OF ME/CFS, AND I NEVER EVER TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED.

(Watch the ground-breaking, highly interesting, very well-made, one-hour film. If you please. Link in right margin.)

The FATIGUE is often SOO bad that all I can do is sit comatose-like on my throne (my bed). I can't read, I can't watch TV, and even listening to music is too tiring and too much for my senses. Daily naps are required with this dd, but they don't relieve the fatigue very much, if at all. And I wake up every morning exhausted; nighttime sleep is never refreshing.

Is it any wonder I'd turn to alcohol? It gives me energy and it gives me pleasure and it allows me to escape other symptoms for a while too.

OK, end of rant!

NONETHELESS, I have managed my life MOSTLY substance-free the past 18 years with this dd, and I've been mostly sober my entire life; like a binge drinker.

I JUST WANT TO GET BACK TO MY NORM OF DRINKING ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK AND NOT TO EXCESS. FOR ME THAT'S 1 - 5 STANDARD DRINKS.



Thursday, May 12, 2016

AND! Re: Grace and Frankie

It Shows That You Are Never Too Old For Sexy Romantic Love

Inspired By Grace And Frankie

Best damn Netflix series ever!

Made me wish I was imbibing last night when I watched the happy duo, Frankie the pot-head and Grace the lush! You know, like I did last season! But mostly, I'm enjoying my self-imposed-30-day-rehab-at-home! (It's really more of a reboot!) I do miss drinking and cannabis, I must admit, but not that much! And I look forward to giving it a go again anytime after June 6th! Only, this time, I intend on starting with med weed and training myself to prefer it over booze!

Oh gosh, and I do mean sporadic use! It's just the way I'm made. I've always preferred being substance-free over imbibing.... you know, ever since I discovered that sex is better without booze.... you know.... back when I used to have sex with someone other than myself! But I've never had a problem with pot, and that's why I want it to be my substance of choice. I wonder if that's possible?

And my drinking problem was pretty bad, but it wasn't as bad as most, I suppose. But it's not about comparing. It's about what's best and worst for me. And what makes me happier and what makes me ultimately sadder.

Gawd how I loved that scene last night when Frankie was getting high at the DMV! I would have been belly laughing watching that scene instead of chuckling if I was high too! Just sayin'!

Gawd I love those old broads! I'm almost one of them! Maybe I am one of them due to my illness! Maybe my biological age is 70! (I'm 59)

Gawd I love their self-confidence and their freedom! Gawd I love their love of life and fun-loving spirits!

Gawd I love how FUNNY they are! Gawd how I envy their energy!


Best damn sobriety support EVER!: The 30-Day Sobriety Solution

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

What A Powerful Mental/Emotional Healing

Here's that infamous post from early February on my now retired Jaya blog:

jayarainbowangel.blogspot.com/2016/02/i-had-to-look-really-deep-to-figure-it-out

Never in a million years would I have expected to recover from that strong point of view and attitude, heal from CultAAs influence, and freely and easily be able to do an Abs-30 with absolutely no lingering affect from them (and no slips, GodGoddessUniverse willing!). Maybe I'm Completely Healed/Completely Deprogrammed From Cult AA! (At my Jaya blog in the right margin are two links to very significant websites against CultAA and how they have caused more harm than good. They are the second most powerful reason I ended up with the drinking problem I had. The first reason is my FOO.

It's not about blame, people, it's about identifying and acknowledging the truth. How can you heal a problem if you can't see it? And that includes getting ANGRY.


"We are told"..."that until we forgive we will never heal. We forget that forgiveness is a grieving process that often includes the expression and release of negative emotions, especially disappointment and anger. It's no use trying to avoid these painful feelings. Forgiveness that is insincere, forced, or premature can be more psychologically damaging than authentic bitterness and rage." ~ Sharon Salzberg.


Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Do You Know What It Feels Like Now?

It feels like a cancer has left my body, a cancer that was slowly, painfully killing me for years and years. That's what if feels like to be fully FREE from my misguided FOO (family of origin).

Simply sacrificing my previous beloved blogs (which took a lot out of me, I must admit), and creating this one.... and all of a sudden I feel like I can take-or-leave alcohol! It feels like it's lost it's power over me. It feels like abstaining from drinking for 30 days (Day 3 today) is going to be a piece of cake! It feels like I won't even be counting days except for fun and pride! I wonder if these feelings will be my new norm?!

What?!  

Until yesterday, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get a consistent hold on my drinking---ever since I invited my FOO back into my life over a year ago.

No wonder The 30-Day Sobriety Solution says that alcohol is not the problem, it's a symptom.

It was love and abuse in the same package with those people, and I fought my whole life to bring truth, communication, and healing with them, and so no wonder it took me until the ripe old age of 59 to get to this place today. They know what they need to do to if they want us back in their lives.

And, listening to Matt Kahn's latest yesterday was the catalyst for the happiness: The Most Important Spiritual Decision

It's feeling a bit precarious truly letting my guard down though, but I took great precautions to insure that they will never find me or even know about this blog. I slept like a baby last night. I had very interesting dreams!


Monday, May 9, 2016

To Begin With, Sobriety

I am definitely honoring my commitment to doing the 30 Day Reboot (30 days substance-free) while I'm doing the life-changing The 30-Day Sobriety Solution  I started on Mother's Day  so today is Day 2.