Monday, June 27, 2016

Gosh I'm A Lucky Lady

Choosing to break my abstinence and drink moderately Saturday night turned out to be such a Gift! A kind of gift I wouldn't have expected and never would have known if I hadn't drank. 

I learned that the thrill is Gone for me regarding booze!
I learned I can take-it-or-leave-it.
I also learned that I'm at this long-awaited-for miraculous place where I know for certain that I never have to fear alcohol again! It has NO power over me! It's just a substance. I never have to demonize it.

"And you can too!" : )

Take THAT CultAA!!!! (see my retired drinking blog).

That I can be so forgiving of myself demonstrates that my unconditional Self Love is growing exponentially. : )


I really have to give a lot of props to The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin). Over the decades I have done every recovery program known to man and woman, and read a shitload of recovery books, but none resonated with me like this one did. One thing about it is that it is the most loving approach I've ever experienced and really helps teach you Self Love. And isn't that everything?

Sunday, June 26, 2016

I Chose To Enjoy A Couple Beers Last Night

The timing was perfect and I couldn't be more proud of myself.
The timing would not have been good today or tomorrow.
In The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin) (as well as many other sources), it states that it takes 25 - 30 days to rewire the brain. It's scientifically proven. That's why it was so important to abstain from drinking for that long, which I did, so,

After I posted yesterday I took the time to meditate on the matter. Then I made the clear-headed decision to buy some beer (gluten-free O'mission) yesterday. The timing was perfect because all my responsibilities were taken care of and I was going to be alone and uninterrupted last night. SO, I don't regret not completing 30 days and imbibing on the 29th day.

As a matter of fact, when I arrived at Bev Mo around 5:30 p.m., all the parking spaces in front were taken except for one---right in front of the door---as if a thumbs-up from the universe.


In retrospect though, I was triggered by my FOO and by weird intense symptoms I'm having. I can tell I've outgrown drinking, as a rule. That makes me prouder!


Saturday, June 25, 2016

Reflecting Upon My Sobriety

I'm quite grateful and happy that tomorrow will be 30 days alcohol-free, and cannabis too, but I simply don't give a damn about pot when I'm not drinking so there ya go. I haven't gone this long without drinking since 2012 when I was off booze for the whole year. Although in 2013 I drank only once a month, I doubt I went a full 30 days. Not to mention that the intention was different. Not drinking for 30 days with the intention of not drinking again is a whole different way of thinking and being.

I abhor Puritanism. That was a driving force behind my retired drinking blog. I want to be healthy and make smart choices regarding what I put in my body and the life decisions I make, but I don't want to discriminate against any food or substance.

Drinking alone is often a BAD choice for me. It could be safe to allow myself to drink on social occasions simply because socializing is very rare for me. Very rare. In fact, the only time it happens is on holidays with my little family. That of course is due to my health. But it's a good thing I'm a hermit-type or I'd go nuts or something.

So, I'm saying I want to be a woman who doesn't drink as a rule, but who will allow herself to enjoy a drink or two with family on special occasions. None of them are big into alcohol and prefer holidays alcohol-free. That means I'm safe.

Unless of course the addiction gets triggered, which is why:


Which is why I have this on my wall. My bff said this to me in an email, quickly apologized in another email, but I had already created this picture for my wall because I was the opposite of offended. I appreciated that it helped wake me up.

***

It's too limiting, unrealistic, and even dangerous to practice all-or-nothing thinking, and when it comes to drinking it's natural, normal, and easy to get lost in that pattern. I certainly do. I always have, which is another reason I created my now retired drinking blog as a record of my journey to break that cycle. Now I seem to be back in it again because my drinking scared me and I chose to quit.

In The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin), you learn that you either want to quit drinking or cut back drinking, but the 30-day-reboot (abstinence) is imperative. Sobriety is defined both as abstinence and moderate drinking. Many people go on to drink moderately. I decided I couldn't do that.


What I'm trying to say is, I'm craving beers right now. For the soul purpose of altering my consciousness  for pleasure, and escape from the fatigue, tinnitus, and boredom for awhile.

I'm saying I'm publicly thinking out loud, and publicly being honest and open about what I'm feeling.

I've always enjoyed sharing my process and my journey with others. And as a writer, I enjoy writing about these things.

I'm COMPLETELY taken by surprise that I'm feeling this way and wanting to drink...even planning to, really. I had no idea I would be going down this path again in my mind because I thought I was forever done with that.

And in wanting to drink I am DESPERATELY interested in only drinking about once a month! By myself! Because I LOVE drinking alone! And you don't get to hear about that in the world because society is all about never drinking alone. Even the 30-Day program says to NEVER drink alone.

That's not who I am though. And that's not, I believe, who most writers who drink are either.

I ought to speak up about that, so I am. I want and need to honor who I am and what I want, not what anybody else dictates---especially people who don't know me. No one who loves me has ever even suggested that I shouldn't drink alone. And that's the truth. They just don't want me to drink too much or too often. The same as I want for myself.

I'm longing for returning to drinking moderately and only drinking once in a while like I successfully achieved for extended periods over the last few years. I'm desiring to only ever drink that way. Here I am, still thinking and wondering if it's possible for me.


What to do, what to do...


Thursday, June 23, 2016

Boy Though, Am I Getting Beat Up In These First 30 Days!

After Sunday I will have completed a consistent first 30 days of teetotaling! Woot!
It's been a long time coming, and I'm still so surprised that I've chosen this for sobriety! I swore up and down that I'd never stop drinking again because I loved it, had success as a moderate drinker (also can be defined as sobriety), and was determined to achieve consistent moderate drinking! I believed this so strongly I even created that blog about it. Yup, it's funny believing in things that aren't true, but I digress.

I have to say that it was very hard and very scary to quit drinking again. It had been such a long time---2012---when I was off booze for a year. I called myself a Permanent Sobrietist because that was the decision and commitment I had made. I didn't expect to alter my choice about that label and try to become a sobrietist who drinks moderately. But I digress.

I really didn't know how I was going to be able to stop drinking this time. I was in so much fear and powerlessness---the addiction had become too powerful---surprising the hell out of me because I didn't even know I had an addiction to alcohol! (can you say denial?) But somehow the mind-shift happened and I was miraculously on my way. Had the one-day disastrous slip and started over---but now am approaching the end of the 30-Day-Reboot which re-wires the brain. (link in right margin) Hoooray! But I digress.

OK, since quitting drinking all these things have happened to me!:

Much More Fatigue (I trust it's temporary)
Extra Muscle Weakness And Stiffness (ditto to above)
Feeling Very Dizzy And Off-Balance (more dittoness!)
Sensitivity And Pain In My Gums Since Getting A New Bridge on May 19th
A Bout Of Severe Tailbone Pain
A Bout Of Severe Rib Pain
A Bad Burn On My Arm From A 400-Degree Oven Door!

That last one, that happened yesterday, has a cool Structured Water story to go with it!!

So, I've been hit on all sides, I'd say, making being alcohol-free more challenging, I must say!

IT'S SOOOO WORTH IT, FOLKS!!!! 

The SW story with pics! I somehow made contact with the 400-degree metal when I was putting my semi-thawed flimsy frozen pizza (gluten-free, Trader Joe's) into the scorching oven, the pizza slipping and falling onto the oven floor and door making a sizzling hot mess. Of course I yelped in pain and angst. My daughter called out from behind the partition in the make-shift office in our living room, "What happened?" I whimpered out, "I don't know!" I couldn't deal with it due to the paralyzing fatigue, turned off the oven, left the mess, and went to my room, slamming the door behind me (oops). My loving daughter cleaned up the mess for me. 

I so totally needed a nap and was desperate for it. But the pain was too great on my arm. The burn wasn't visible yet because it hadn't emerged to the surface. I had no idea how bad it was and thought it was just going to be a small line.

All I could do was prop myself up in bed to ride-out the pain while treating the burn with Structured Water, which I thought would be very brief like with other minor cooking burns. I grabbed my mini cobalt blue spritzing bottle on my nightstand and spritzed the area with Structured Water. Of course, that instantly took away all the pain. What ensued over the next several hours was my spritzing the burn, now quite visible and quite large, every one or two minutes to keep it wet. That's because as soon as the area dried it burned really bad.



Here's what it looked like several hours later after consistent spritzing with SW. And it was now pain-free:



I LOVE STRUCTURED WATER!!!! (see "My Gig" in right margin)

It makes sense when you think about it. What is a burn but severe dehydration? Structured Water hydrates and heals!

Truth be told, SW is probably the main reason I woke up from my addiction. Drinking it and showering in it (the past two years) is transformative.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

That Thing Where You Start To Get Your Ducks In A Row In Case You Drop Dead Or Something

I think I like writing titles more than I like composing blog posts. I would have been a good advertising copywriter. : )

So, this is going to have to be another one of those topics I revisit at a later date.

It's not something I like to think about. Well, no one does.

I know I want to leave behind love letters to all my loves = my little family and my star-crossed lover.

On another note, trying to decide if I should keep my hair appointment for a cut and highlights. It's a heatwave out there you know, and today we have added humidity. Me and heat don't get along at all. Me and humidity don't either.

Monday, June 20, 2016

My Email To A Friend: Just Live Your Life, Buddy ! : )


  You are doing GREAT! You are making good choices consistently and you are living your life to the fullest and you know what's best for you! And so am I and I say it's time to stop nit-picking everything we put in and on our bodies! I'm so sick of living like that and sucking the fun out of living! Jesus! I'm going to do my best to can all the lectures and advice! I've been thinking about this in my new sobriety, because even for myself it's like ridiculous to... it's like living in fear all the time, you know!? Living in fear of food and sunscreen and whatever! It's no way to live I tell ya! I'm making a change in my thinking and I'm focusing on just allowing things to be. And to Simply Listen To My Body instead! I'm not even going to tell people about Structured Water anymore unless they ask. OMG it's like I can BREATHE easier already due to these very thoughts! We all need to CHILLAX, breathe, smile, enjoy all things, bless all things, and just naturally and gently tweak our way of life for ourselves as we grow along! Amen? 😇

  

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Believing In Things That Aren't True

As I progress in reborn teetotalism different kinds of thoughts pop into mind to serve me in my recovery.

All of a sudden one night while drifting off to sleep I was struck with the most profound awareness.

All my life I have BELIEVED in things that aren't true! Is that because I thought so little of myself I needed something false to hold on to?

Stay tuned for part two. I've been having a variety of health challenges of late and my thinker seems to need to rest along with my body!

Ponder the concept I've presented for yourself!


Friday, June 17, 2016

I Don't Want To Drink, I Want Relief From My Symptoms

Gawd I wish I could drink once a month just to escape from these torturous ME/CFS symptoms once in a while!

Day 21 substance-free since starting over after my one-day slip on Day 13 substance-free, and I mark May 15 as the day I chose to quit drinking for good! I'm thrilled and grateful because I'm basically allergic to alcohol.

But since quitting I really notice how ill I am from this damn disease of ME/CFS and the symptoms are stifling. The main reason I drank was to get a vacation from the physical suffering (and BOREDOM!) because there's nothing else that works. There certainly aren't any meds I'd ever take for the CONSTANT:

debilitating bone-crushing fatigue
muscle weakness and stiffness
feeling severely off-balance and dizzy (I call it tilty)
feeling like my brain is congested, my very brain itself
feeling like my brain is a soggy sponge
pressure at the brain stem
neurological problems
silence-destroying 24/7 tinnitus
severe cognitive impairment and short term memory loss
having to sit or sleep in bed over 20 hours every single day

Having ME/CFS is sort of like having a really bad flu that never goes away.

The thought of drinking makes me sick, thank God, but the thought of getting relief from the symptoms creates a longing for that---if only I could limit drinking to once a month. But if I tried that again it would create the constant thought to drink and that's a worse kind of hell than I'm already in.

I regret that I'm not into cannabis but I'm not. It may relieve some symptoms and even help heal inflammation and pain, but it makes my cognitive and memory problems even worse! I don't see myself ever enjoying pot without booze. And I'm afraid to use the CBD or THC tinctures I have as they contain alcohol which could trigger me to drink. If I ever choose to experiment with cannabis by itself I will wait until I've had 30 consecutive alcohol-free days. I'm actually fearful that any kind of weed will trigger me to want to drink, especially if I don't like the way it makes me feel without drinking, so it won't be worth it in that case. Stephen King I'm not!

Wow. Writing this out was good therapy! I feel  R E L I E F  !  This emotional and psychological relief helps heaps and gobs with enduring the physical challenges, and heals the thoughts to drink!

I'm going to post what I wrote here at the 30-Day forum and maybe at the Soberistas forum, which I just joined. I found Soberistas last year but left because I was looking for moderation help at the time. (Links in right margin)

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Completed The 30-Day Sobriety Program !

Yesterday was Day 30 for me in the program, which means I completed it! (link in right margin)

It also means today is Day 18 of consistent abstinence since I drank on Day 13.

And that's the positive and cool thing about this progressive, healing program; you don't have to start over if you slip or relapse. They recognize that slipping doesn't undo all your hard work and previous sobriety (unlike CultAA, but just see my retired drinking blog for all the dirt on them).

But even though I'm choosing permanent teetotalism, I'm still counting until I have been alcohol-free for 30 days, and that is because it takes that long to rewire the brain. So Important! People in the program that choose to cut-back on their drinking need to do the 30-Day-Reboot as well.

GOD I feel good!!!  

 And I can't say enough good things about this program that you do from the comfort of your own home at your own pace. Some people work through the book over a 90 day period, type thing. Actually, I first started it back in January, but I was taking my time with it, and I was still drinking, thinking I could, thinking I didn't have to do the Reboot to become my then-plan of being a moderate drinker!

The disastrous drinking I did back on Day 13 was a gift in disguise because it Woke Me Up ALL the way and anchored my sobriety.

"And so can you!" 

I  Sobriety!






Sunday, June 12, 2016

Cool Quotes + My Life Purpose Statement


Day 29/16 The Vision Solution From The 30-Day Sobriety Solution


 
My Life Purpose:  Using my unique voice for writing, inspiring, bringing healing, spiritual growth, humor, inspiring Self love in others, and sharing about Structured Water. My Life Purpose Is Mostly To Evolve Into Total Self Love, as that is what mutually helps others the most.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Oh! This Is Why I Had Night Sweats For Quite A While Recently! (It's Not What You Think!)

Anah Maa

  And it also explains why they mysteriously stopped over a week ago! In other words, if it was menopause or hormones, I don't think it would have suddenly stopped after just as mysteriously starting several months ago---cuz I'm still only 59! And menopausal night sweats and hot flashes last for years! It's not because of stopping drinking, otherwise it would have happened when I stopped drinking before my one-time slip!

   I'm no stranger to many of the Symptoms of Ascension! Woot! But guess what? The truth is I have No Clue what Ascension is, even though I've heard a lot about it and been a spiritual seeker for many years. I truly don't know what the hell it means exactly or what it is! But I Like That About Me!




On another note, something POWERFUL I transcribed from Anah Maa. It's from this FREE replay, and don't worry, it has a happy ending! (not sure how long the recording will be available):


"The truth is that no matter how many challenges we suffer, no matter how dark our days, no matter how defiled or bad we may feel about ourselves, our souls, our spirit, our life purpose has never, can never, be broken, marred or stolen."  

"Regarding media---turn it off. It's an addiction. They want you... they submit bad messages, subliminal messaging and make you literally addicted to it. They make you Feel like you have to get the news. They make you Feel like you want to turn the TV on. It's conditioning, it's programming, done by the greatest scientists, the greatest minds. It's like a casino, you know, you think you're gonna go in there and win---it's stacked against you. You think you can watch TV and be OK---it's stacked against you. They know how to enter the subconscious, they know how to program---using vibration, sound, and light. They actually entrain your brain to crave, desire, want TV (/Internet/Smart Phones). 

"....And they're going to continue to measure you against everyone else and you're always going to come up unworthy. They don't know anything about you and they have no intention of helping you find you (the "programmers"). They want you to be a consumer, they want you to be asleep, they want you to be in fear, they want you to be minimalized, they want you to feel powerless, they want you to feel disconnected, disenfranchised, they want you on their cellular devices and they want you to be a consumer. So once they have you that's mission accomplished. Then you're not involved in what's Truly going on. So the idea is to disconnect from the Lies, and go in search of the inner truth. 

"This is a very manipulative world, and we've been hijacked. They literally download viruses into your mind, into your being.

"If you drive around you'll see cell towers where there shouldn't be cell towers. This is because they understand that everything is energy. And so to combat that---disconnect from that grid. So, protect your vibration and your consciousness by creating a beautiful sanctuary within yourself in your own home. And then practice being in that sanctuary and that safe place, that sacred place. Recharge your battery, realign with your truth, be supported, connect with Source. And then when you come back out, when you have to go out into the world, when you have to use a cellular device or a computer and you have to be around that matrix, you don't go back into the matrix. You skim outside of it and you see it for the matrix that it is. You see it for the lower-frequency energy that it is, and it doesn't touch you, it doesn't draw you in, it doesn't trap you, it doesn't hurt you, it doesn't bother you. Because your vibration becomes so much lighter. You radiate light, you embody light, you hold light---the vibration of Light is So Pure that nothing can damage it---and you begin to see it for the play that it is. Rather than right or wrong, good or evil, light and dark---you begin to see it as the function of earth. And you see people learning, and evolving, and experiencing, and growing, and having the challenges they signed up for.

"You cannot truly love unless and until you love yourself unconditionally."

*~*~*~*  

If you managed to read and resonate with that, you may already be Ascended!

This is why, more and more, no matter what I'm watching or listening to or if on Facebook, etc., no matter how much I think I want to watch/listen/read --- I am paying attention to how I am feeling in my body and mind, and if there is any stress or discordant thoughts or feelings --- OFF it goes and OFF I go! Then I decompress by going within and getting still until peace and groundedness returns. Which happens faster and faster with practice. Or I listen to a spiritual teacher or music or read or write. Or nap!