Saturday, June 25, 2016

Reflecting Upon My Sobriety

I'm quite grateful and happy that tomorrow will be 30 days alcohol-free, and cannabis too, but I simply don't give a damn about pot when I'm not drinking so there ya go. I haven't gone this long without drinking since 2012 when I was off booze for the whole year. Although in 2013 I drank only once a month, I doubt I went a full 30 days. Not to mention that the intention was different. Not drinking for 30 days with the intention of not drinking again is a whole different way of thinking and being.

I abhor Puritanism. That was a driving force behind my retired drinking blog. I want to be healthy and make smart choices regarding what I put in my body and the life decisions I make, but I don't want to discriminate against any food or substance.

Drinking alone is often a BAD choice for me. It could be safe to allow myself to drink on social occasions simply because socializing is very rare for me. Very rare. In fact, the only time it happens is on holidays with my little family. That of course is due to my health. But it's a good thing I'm a hermit-type or I'd go nuts or something.

So, I'm saying I want to be a woman who doesn't drink as a rule, but who will allow herself to enjoy a drink or two with family on special occasions. None of them are big into alcohol and prefer holidays alcohol-free. That means I'm safe.

Unless of course the addiction gets triggered, which is why:


Which is why I have this on my wall. My bff said this to me in an email, quickly apologized in another email, but I had already created this picture for my wall because I was the opposite of offended. I appreciated that it helped wake me up.

***

It's too limiting, unrealistic, and even dangerous to practice all-or-nothing thinking, and when it comes to drinking it's natural, normal, and easy to get lost in that pattern. I certainly do. I always have, which is another reason I created my now retired drinking blog as a record of my journey to break that cycle. Now I seem to be back in it again because my drinking scared me and I chose to quit.

In The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin), you learn that you either want to quit drinking or cut back drinking, but the 30-day-reboot (abstinence) is imperative. Sobriety is defined both as abstinence and moderate drinking. Many people go on to drink moderately. I decided I couldn't do that.


What I'm trying to say is, I'm craving beers right now. For the soul purpose of altering my consciousness  for pleasure, and escape from the fatigue, tinnitus, and boredom for awhile.

I'm saying I'm publicly thinking out loud, and publicly being honest and open about what I'm feeling.

I've always enjoyed sharing my process and my journey with others. And as a writer, I enjoy writing about these things.

I'm COMPLETELY taken by surprise that I'm feeling this way and wanting to drink...even planning to, really. I had no idea I would be going down this path again in my mind because I thought I was forever done with that.

And in wanting to drink I am DESPERATELY interested in only drinking about once a month! By myself! Because I LOVE drinking alone! And you don't get to hear about that in the world because society is all about never drinking alone. Even the 30-Day program says to NEVER drink alone.

That's not who I am though. And that's not, I believe, who most writers who drink are either.

I ought to speak up about that, so I am. I want and need to honor who I am and what I want, not what anybody else dictates---especially people who don't know me. No one who loves me has ever even suggested that I shouldn't drink alone. And that's the truth. They just don't want me to drink too much or too often. The same as I want for myself.

I'm longing for returning to drinking moderately and only drinking once in a while like I successfully achieved for extended periods over the last few years. I'm desiring to only ever drink that way. Here I am, still thinking and wondering if it's possible for me.


What to do, what to do...