Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Wow! Didn't See That Coming!

It's good news. It's a happy ending. 

And jumping ahead to the moral of the story:  I seem to finally be on my true path for sobriety. Because in a very short time life has gotten better and will probably continue to get better and more rewarding. 

After the unfortunate fiasco of yesterday what ended up happening is that I found a few new friends on similar paths as me (replacing booze with pot. I'm the only one I know of micro-dosing), one friend from WFS (Women For Sobriety) who saw my cannabis post before it was deleted, and a couple more people from my Facebook HAMS group (HarmReduction Abstinence Moderation Support), and also, via the founder of HAMS, a Facebook group solely for people similar to me...

So, hours later, feeling strong and confident and ready to face whatever new flack awaited me at WFS (now fondly called by me and a friend: What Fucking Shit), I logged in so I could cancel my membership.

To my amazement not only were there no more unfortunate messaages for me, but, apparently, in response to my pm's to the moderators, and my post at the group I had joined, there was nothing but an outpouring of love, support, and people asking me not to leave!

You know, as long as I don't mention the "c" word!  LOL

There are clearly a great bunch of sober women there---some on meds including opioids and benzos (used not to get high but to treat conditions), and whom are allowed to talk about their meds, and I think I will benefit from hanging around, and I think they will benefit from me too. Even if I don't get to talk about my meds!  (silly, silly world!) But now I do have safe places to talk about my micro-dosing, which continues to go very well!

I don't get high. I swear, one tiny CBD/THC Candy Heart is going to last me for at least two weeks! (They are designed to eat a whole one at a time.)

It smooths the edges of anxiety, depression if I have it (I don't but I do get down), and I seem to think it's calming whatever ADD I have!! My thoughts calm down. Nice! I've long suspected I have ADD.

I'm A Very....

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Hanging Tough

It's not exactly easy to be in new sobriety that you intend to be permanent, and to be experimenting with micro-dosing cannabis for healing; when you are going it alone.

I did just find one friend who successfully switched from alcohol to cannabis three years ago!

Thank GodGoddessUniverse for Ziggy!

I tried to find support at an organization I now loathe as much as CultAA: WFS (Women For Sobriety) online.

I was ganged-up on by 16 moderators for trying to talk about micro-dosing medicinal cannabis under a doctor's supervision. And they call themselves 4C women: Capable, Competent, Caring, Compassionate! What a JOKE. They are perfectly OK with people posting about doctor prescribed opioids and other mind-affecting drugs though!

It just happened this morning and it still hurts! They were so cruel! And they said things about me that were untrue. And I didn't even break any WFS Rules because I read them before I posted!

I don't think I'll be finding any sobriety organizations that support me. The world is still so ignorant when it comes to Mother Nature's Healing Herb.

No worries! Quitting an addiction really is an inside job. And the best and smartest people do it all on their own!

TGGU for Ziggy though, who I found at WFS (now called by her and me What Fucking Shit!)

Day 12 Alcohol-Free! 

Monday, August 29, 2016

Micro-Dosing Might Genuinely Be Saving My Life!

No lie.

After decades of being in and out of sobriety, and now desperately not ever wanting to drink again because alcohol was slowly killing me and was causing me great suffering on many levels;

micro-dosing CBD/THC might be my ticket to life-long freedom from alcohol and suffering!

Is there anyone reading this who made the switch from booze to pot and is living happily ever after because of it? (You can email me.)

I'm not using cannabis to get high, but if you are that's OK!

With my MedWeed doctor's guidance I am micro-dosing to SAFELY:

alleviate anxiety
alleviate stress
alleviate cravings to drink
alleviate thoughts to drink
as medicine for symptoms of my illnesses

How Cool Is That?!

It's been working so very well for me thus far. I've utilized this tool on five of the 10 days I've been sober. Today is Day 11 alcohol-free-for-life. (GodGoddessUniverse Willing And The Creek Don't Rise!)

I do think I'll be able to enjoy getting high on marijuana in the near future once in awhile. But for now it's not on my agenda. Recovery is on my agenda. Getting used to this new paradigm is on my agenda. Not suffering is on my agenda. Being Sobrietist is on my agenda. And, yes, you can be a sobrietist and still use substances as long as you are using them very moderately and healthfully. That word has to be defined by each person for themselves.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Except For The Part About Not Sleeping Since I Quit Drinking!

Funny, cuz the last time I quit drinking I slept just fine!
Does my subconscious mind know that this really is the last time and it's freaking out??
LOL! I hope so!
This is Day 10 of Permanent Teetotalism and I haven't had one decent night's sleep---except when I caved a couple nights ago and took a half dose of Motrin P.M.!
Maybe I'll try Melatonin or something---it's working for a friend of mine. Although, he doesn't have a booze problem, but he was hooked on Tylenol P.M. for years and just quit.
I can't wait to get my sleep back!
Although, I'm not complaining!
I'm So Fucking Grateful To Be OFF Alcohol!
I'll take the return of insomnia any day over that poison-to-me!
I used to have bad insomnia like all my friends with ME/CFS, until Structured Water came into my life, plus important supplements including the right vitamins, minerals and herbs.
I'm doing a bit of micro-dosing with CBD/THC as I posted earlier, but unfortunately for me it's not helping my sleep.
Thanks for listening to the ramblings of a sleep-deprived woman!

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Cannabis Is In Our DNA?


Must See video!

  When I saw this video today I was reminded about that my med-weed doctor told me the same truth as in this video, but he couldn't tell me where to get fresh leaves. I just emailed RAW and asked them if they know. RAW is my distributor. Dr. Flynn, whom I am now really beginning to trust (I've met him twice; for annual med-weed Rx certificate), also told me about micro-dosing with edibles or tinctures (meaning the processed cannabis leaves). He told me micro-dosing is helping so many people. He told me about it specifically to help my alcohol problem (now forever to be called alcoholism!) and also ME/CFS symptoms. He told me that just a microscopic amount of CBD or THC or both as needed would help with so many things. I never ever tried that before until this week. I was never "there" yet in my mind-set. I have only been able to use cannabis along with alcohol (except for that ONE time the last time I quit drinking---but I wasn't trying micro-dosing and I used too much of the Candy Heart and got a buzz and it was challenging). Today is Day 7 alcohol-free-for-life. I have micro-dosed twice during this week. The first time was on Day 4 around 4 p.m. when I was having anxiety and other undesirable unpleasantnesses in my body. I Didn't Want To Suffer Like That! And I Didn't Want It To Make Me Want Alcohol! I remembered that I had the CBD/THC Candy Hearts. I remembered what Dr. Flynn advised me to do regarding micro-dosing. I bravely retrieved a Candy Heart from the freezer where I am storing the tins, put one in my mouth, took one lick (or suck, I guess, if you want to be technically correct), and placed it back in the tin. Well, guess what? My anxiety, etc. melted away and I felt relaxed and normal. I was GRATEFUL there was no high! I don't want the high! Now remembering that voice in my head from before, "You Don't Have To Suffer Anymore." YES! That same day I took one more lick at 7 p.m. I'm telling you, I have NO desire or cravings or thoughts for more. I have NO cravings or desires or thoughts to drink. The next day, around 4 p.m., I did another micro-dosing; the only one that day. Yesterday I had no need for it and didn't do it. Wow am I ever going to get my money's worth from those Candy Hearts! I want to try the leaves now because they are CLEARLY superior for health and give NO HIGH and you can juice them. I noticed that the second day I micro-dosed it made me really sleepy a few hours later and at the time is was inconvenient. I am taking all this into consideration. BTW, cannabis is another helper for people in getting a good night's sleep. But I don't suffer much insomnia anymore thanks mostly to Structured Water.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

I Feel So Good :)

My sanctuary always cures what ails me.
Mission Trails Regional Park today.

Monday, August 22, 2016

I'm An Alcoholic

Haven't called myself that for years. When I left CultAA several years ago and needed lots of time to deprogram from said cult, I needed to refer to myself as anything but an alcoholic, and usually just said problem drinker.

But note: it doesn't matter what you call it/it doesn't matter what we call ourselves; we who can't drink.

I'm very comfortable again saying that I'm an alcoholic.

It's very interesting that we come in so many variations.

Just because I have enjoyed long periods of sobriety, just because I never drank every day, just because I didn't drink half as much as most confessed problem drinkers, just because I was successfully able to moderate often-----and I'm still an alcoholic.

Good to know!

It's in my genes.

There's no cure. There's no going back. I'll never be able to drink normally for very long.

This could be it for me---this could be the time in my life I stay STOPPED drinking and never take a drink again.

How Cool Would That Be?!!

Day 4 for me of my new life. I think is going to be a good match for me for sobriety support!

Sunday, August 21, 2016

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Certainly unlike ANYTHING I experienced growing up (or EVER in my FOO), my loving little family and I had a very powerful, intense, and healing pow wow yesterday that brought deep sharing, and brought us understanding and closure to My Last Drunk Ever, And My Last Drink Ever on the 18th.

There was much hugging, and some crying after our sacred-to-me gathering.

What a Blessed and Beautiful and Close family we are!

For me personally, the Light At The End Of The Tunnel that I can see is Freedom From Suffering through Sobriety and Finishing My Memoir.

...Much more to come!

I'm actually VERY Happy how, accidentally, my new Permanent Sobriety Birthday date suits me better than the last one!

8-19-2016 = 27 = 9 = The Hermit in Tarot and Numerology

The Hermit and the number 9 is Me. I am proudly the Hermit in Tarot, and my Birth Number in Numerology is 9!

Today is Day 3 alcohol-free for me! And believe me, I will not even touch cannabis either, maybe never, but definitely not for a long time.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

The Voice In My Head Said

A few days ago, I heard a voice (or thought) in my head that said,

"You don't have to suffer anymore."

I took it to heart.

Then all hell broke loose. Things got so much worse. The cannabis didn't work anymore, I drank and I had a total melt down, a bonafide mental break down in front of my loving family. I hurt ALL of us.

Yesterday we all spent the day locked in our rooms (Richard worked).

Today I heard the rest of the sentence in my head!

You see, my FOO really did destroy me and my life, but if I quit drinking, and if I finish my memoir (which the process of is going to cause me a lot more suffering), I will:

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Phew! That Was Close!

Day 3 of sober and almost overpowered by cravings to drink.
Almost drove to the store to get booze.
Why I'm surprised I'd feel this way is beyond me.
What stopped me?
My beautiful daughter.
I am honest enough and decent enough and caring enough to have turned to her first, before just going out somewhere and lying about why.
She really is hurt by my drinking.
You know, before all this that happened happened she'd never expressed to me that my drinking hurt her.
She only ever said my driving while drinking hurt her, or the rare times I imposed on her when I drank annoyed her.
But today she rated on a scale of 1 - 10 how much my drinking in general hurts her -- a 5.
The driving and rare-imposing hurts an 8. OUCH!
5 is still a high number when it's your daughter you are hurting.
I sat in my room until the cravings passed.
Then I took a bit of CBD tincture for my nerves and anxiety.
What a gift it will be if I really can switch from alcohol to cannabis.
No one gets hurt and no one suffers.
And I'll never use it to excess because I never have.
And I'll never use it every day because I never even drank booze every day.
I always have and always will prefer being substance-free.

The reason I wanted to drink today, feeling deeply hurt by my "him," is a really bad reason to drink.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Another Cool Email To One Of My Loves

  Can you call me? I've been slowly sucking on a little CBD Candy Heart since a couple hours ago. I want to know how I sound to you.
  Cuz, a voice in my head said to me, "You Don't Have To Suffer Anymore."
  And how cool would that be?! 😇
  But I'M feeling some anxiety and maybe fear.... paranoid about drinking.
  The last thing I need or want is for cannabis--which could be my saving grace--to trigger me to want to drink!
  I want to push through that, because I'm NOT going to drink. It's a DECISION I'm sticking by.
  OK, well, thanks, and will hear from you when I do!
  P.S. Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty good, and excited, and hopeful, and safe, and smart, and pretty, and rich in a way, and FREE

FUCK Alcohol

I'm in better spirits (no pun intended) today. A great sense of relief throughout my being. I know it's not going to be easy never drinking again, and I don't know how to do that, but I'm really going to give it my all. My daughter's relief and happiness yesterday said it all.

I ask myself, "What's wrong with me?!" that makes me keep drinking, I mean "made" me keep drinking. And echoes of my mother's shrieks at me all growing up scream in my brain, "What's WRONG with you, Judy?!!"

Yes, there are too many challenges in my life, and yes, I've been through a lot, so I guess I do understand why. And I don't take meds so I don't have those to rely on like so many, too many, people do.

Upon awakening this morning, as I was gently emerging into full consciousness, I noticed how peaceful I felt. I noticed that at my core was JOY. That's the real me. So, I'll be fine.

Cannabis is my friend and I'm not afraid of it. I also have no interest in using it at this time. But I'm glad it's there for me when I want to. I don't fear it will trigger me to want to drink. But even if it does, I know I won't drink. That is, I feel that confidence right now.

I'm grateful about that! After all, everyone who wants to enjoy altering their consciousness once in a while ought to have that right and opportunity! Not to mention the many healing benefits of cannabis.

I like how my Sobriety birthday is 8/16/2016 = 24 = 6 = The Lovers (in tarot)
That, for some reason, gives me comfort and hope for my romantic future.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Personal EmailsTo My Love (Now Confession To Public)

​  ​
I had no clue, but now I SEE how much I was traumatizing my beloved angels with my drinking. And I could die over this hurt in my heart. I hold my head down in shame.
  Had I stayed stopped drinking last week I never would have learned this needed lesson---a lesson that should keep me sober for life. And now I am not just quitting drinking to stop hurting me, I'm quitting drinking to stop hurting my beloved girls. I wasn't just hurting me I was hurting them. It's going to take some time for this horrid truth to fully sink in to my thick skull. They are not quick to talk about their feelings, and I thought I was doing a good job hiding my drinking from them, and they have never expressed to me when I asked them--that I hurt them or that they wanted me to stop drinking. I had to find out for myself --- and it happened last night by accident. I stumbled out of bed in the wee hours to turn up the a/c and discovered dear Anna sitting in the dark all alone. THE LIGHTS WENT ON IN MY BEER-SOAKED BRAIN. I didn't have to ask her, I instantly knew that it was because of me that she was in so much emotional pain that she couldn't sleep. I immediately grabbed my car key and handed it over to her and put myself in in-house rehab again then went back to bed and left her alone as she needed. She and I spoke briefly this morning, a healing conversation. I had to do all the talking but I finally nailed what she was feeling. That is, it's more complicated than that, it's that my drinking problem has progressed and that's why Anna is where she is at now, but I never would have known that if I hadn't kept drinking since quitting last week. And that means I would have started drinking again down the line. Bethany was away yesterday and spent the night at a friend's last night. Ironic--before she left I said, "You are so much like me. BE CAREFUL!"

  I have a horrible drinking problem that includes drunk driving to get more booze
​, which happened again last night​
. I need to do whatever it takes to live my life as Sobrietist, as Teetotaling Sobrietist. Otherwise, it flashes through my mind into my future as an empty-nester and a lush, and how much trouble I'd get myself into, and drunk-dialing my daughters........... HELL NO THAT'S NOT GOING TO BE MY FUTURE!!!

  xo, Judy 💔   If This Doesn't Wake Me Up And Keep Me Awake Nothing Will

  My world has dramatically changed. Even when I quit drinking on May 15th and achieved 28 consecutive sober days, and didn't consciously know I was going to try drinking again----even then, my drinking was at worst an "Annoyance" to my girls. Until NOW they had said, per my sincere and unmanipulative prodding, they didn't mind if I drank as long as I didn't drive and didn't impose on them.

  Even though I rarely imposed on them the past two-month drinking binge, it's all so different now. It HURTS them that I drink at all, it's not just the driving or imposing on them. I've been a liar and a sneak and I thought I was doing it to protect them from worry, which I was, but I was mostly doing it to protect my drinking habit.

  I'm hungover and in shock and dismay over what's going on here. I know my heavenly angels got my back and are behind what happened last night. My Destiny truly is to be Sobrietist. It took what it took to get here. I'm TERRIFIED.

  It's like now if I ever drink again I'm not worthy of love!!! What kind of horrible monster would continue to hurt her precious daughters who love her more than life?? (my ex-mother, that's who)
  And that would be a shame because I know I'm a good person and that a lot of people adore me and look up to me, including the many friends I've known on Facebook for three years, or however long I've been there. I've never managed to alienate them, with a couple of exceptions due to drinking, but they both forgave and forgot. People seem to think I have a good mind and heart and have a lot of important things to say. They seem to think I'm much the healer and inspirer because for one thing I'm pretty authentic and tell the truth. They seem to think I have good energy and help them. It's imperative that I learn how to internalize this and deeply believe it. I'm continuing to try.

  All these decades I drank for so many reasons but mostly to try to escape personal pain on many levels.

  Thank You for listening. I'm sorry I hurt you. 💔

Monday, August 15, 2016

Of Course The Beauty Was Shortlived

Even though I spent my entire life trying to bring truth, healing, and forgiveness to my FOO+, and even though I tried to share my memoir with them as the last chance for hope for us, and even though I've only ever tried to do the right and honorable thing--often in my misguided warped way, and even though I was abused and betrayed by them, and even though I am finally free of them (well, that was not what I wanted but I have no choice), I continue to abuse myself.

The last thing I deserve is more abuse, and certainly not self-abuse, but I can't stop doing it by hating myself, feeling like a loser, feeling like a failure, feeling like a joke, feeling like a really horrible person, feeling like a waste of space, feeling like I deserve suffering.

So, it's a mixed-bag writing the memoir. Half the time I feel like what I started to express in my last post: awesome, in purpose, strong, in my element, on-track, constructively dealing with my pain and grief, desirous of helping and inspiring others; and the other half of the time I'm feeling lost in the abyss of darkness and lovelessness.

Just sayin'

Saturday, August 13, 2016

A Beautiful Thing Happened Last Night

I spontaneously got unblocked and found myself opening up my memoir file and going right back to work on it. It was exactly what I needed to do. Feels freakin AWESOME.

PK Pariah lives! Bethany is going to photoshop the picture to put a spotlight of light around me and shadow-out my FOO. This is my book cover in progress, or my working book cover (as they call it), not the final one.

PK Pariah
A Memoir
A Preacher's Kid Who Spoke Up About Incest And Emotional Abuse,
The Consequences, And The Continuous Journey Of Healing

Judith Acton Ayala

“We forgive by letting go of blame and opening to the pain we have tried to push away.”
   ~  Tara Brach

Friday, August 12, 2016

I'm In Much More Emotional Pain Than I Realized

Choosing to orphan myself from my abusive and betraying FOO+ (family of origin and relatives) several months ago has taken more out of me than I realized and is causing me so much suffering.

I love them so much but there is absolutely nothing more I can do about that. I wasted my entire life trying to bring truth and healing to us.

I don't know if going back to work on my memoir will help or hurt. I don't know if I need to allow more time to grieve and adjust first.

Thanks for letting me express these thoughts.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

I Have A Lot To Say And I Don't Know Where My Outlet Is

Just sayin'

In other words, I think I need to be writing something, really writing something (other than a blog).

Thanks for listening.

Please send me good energy.

I send you good energy in return.