Monday, August 15, 2016

Of Course The Beauty Was Shortlived

Even though I spent my entire life trying to bring truth, healing, and forgiveness to my FOO+, and even though I tried to share my memoir with them as the last chance for hope for us, and even though I've only ever tried to do the right and honorable thing--often in my misguided warped way, and even though I was abused and betrayed by them, and even though I am finally free of them (well, that was not what I wanted but I have no choice), I continue to abuse myself.

The last thing I deserve is more abuse, and certainly not self-abuse, but I can't stop doing it by hating myself, feeling like a loser, feeling like a failure, feeling like a joke, feeling like a really horrible person, feeling like a waste of space, feeling like I deserve suffering.

So, it's a mixed-bag writing the memoir. Half the time I feel like what I started to express in my last post: awesome, in purpose, strong, in my element, on-track, constructively dealing with my pain and grief, desirous of helping and inspiring others; and the other half of the time I'm feeling lost in the abyss of darkness and lovelessness.

Just sayin'