Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Personal EmailsTo My Love (Now Confession To Public)

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I had no clue, but now I SEE how much I was traumatizing my beloved angels with my drinking. And I could die over this hurt in my heart. I hold my head down in shame.
  Had I stayed stopped drinking last week I never would have learned this needed lesson---a lesson that should keep me sober for life. And now I am not just quitting drinking to stop hurting me, I'm quitting drinking to stop hurting my beloved girls. I wasn't just hurting me I was hurting them. It's going to take some time for this horrid truth to fully sink in to my thick skull. They are not quick to talk about their feelings, and I thought I was doing a good job hiding my drinking from them, and they have never expressed to me when I asked them--that I hurt them or that they wanted me to stop drinking. I had to find out for myself --- and it happened last night by accident. I stumbled out of bed in the wee hours to turn up the a/c and discovered dear Anna sitting in the dark all alone. THE LIGHTS WENT ON IN MY BEER-SOAKED BRAIN. I didn't have to ask her, I instantly knew that it was because of me that she was in so much emotional pain that she couldn't sleep. I immediately grabbed my car key and handed it over to her and put myself in in-house rehab again then went back to bed and left her alone as she needed. She and I spoke briefly this morning, a healing conversation. I had to do all the talking but I finally nailed what she was feeling. That is, it's more complicated than that, it's that my drinking problem has progressed and that's why Anna is where she is at now, but I never would have known that if I hadn't kept drinking since quitting last week. And that means I would have started drinking again down the line. Bethany was away yesterday and spent the night at a friend's last night. Ironic--before she left I said, "You are so much like me. BE CAREFUL!"

  I have a horrible drinking problem that includes drunk driving to get more booze
​, which happened again last night​
. I need to do whatever it takes to live my life as Sobrietist, as Teetotaling Sobrietist. Otherwise, it flashes through my mind into my future as an empty-nester and a lush, and how much trouble I'd get myself into, and drunk-dialing my daughters........... HELL NO THAT'S NOT GOING TO BE MY FUTURE!!!

  xo, Judy 💔   If This Doesn't Wake Me Up And Keep Me Awake Nothing Will

  My world has dramatically changed. Even when I quit drinking on May 15th and achieved 28 consecutive sober days, and didn't consciously know I was going to try drinking again----even then, my drinking was at worst an "Annoyance" to my girls. Until NOW they had said, per my sincere and unmanipulative prodding, they didn't mind if I drank as long as I didn't drive and didn't impose on them.

  Even though I rarely imposed on them the past two-month drinking binge, it's all so different now. It HURTS them that I drink at all, it's not just the driving or imposing on them. I've been a liar and a sneak and I thought I was doing it to protect them from worry, which I was, but I was mostly doing it to protect my drinking habit.

  I'm hungover and in shock and dismay over what's going on here. I know my heavenly angels got my back and are behind what happened last night. My Destiny truly is to be Sobrietist. It took what it took to get here. I'm TERRIFIED.

  It's like now if I ever drink again I'm not worthy of love!!! What kind of horrible monster would continue to hurt her precious daughters who love her more than life?? (my ex-mother, that's who)
  And that would be a shame because I know I'm a good person and that a lot of people adore me and look up to me, including the many friends I've known on Facebook for three years, or however long I've been there. I've never managed to alienate them, with a couple of exceptions due to drinking, but they both forgave and forgot. People seem to think I have a good mind and heart and have a lot of important things to say. They seem to think I'm much the healer and inspirer because for one thing I'm pretty authentic and tell the truth. They seem to think I have good energy and help them. It's imperative that I learn how to internalize this and deeply believe it. I'm continuing to try.

  All these decades I drank for so many reasons but mostly to try to escape personal pain on many levels.

  Thank You for listening. I'm sorry I hurt you. 💔