Monday, September 12, 2016

No, I Did Not Expect Perfection

But that doesn't mean I can't freak out a little over having a rough day today in my new sobriety!

Holy Fuck. Restless, ungrounded, unfocused, unsettled mentally and emotionally, feeling empty and lost....

All Because My Body And Brain And Personality Are Missing BOOZE!

It doesn't feel natural not to drink, not today anyway.

I am aware of the triggers but that's not important here.

I'm not suffering though, I'm feeling my feelings is all. If I drink I WILL suffer.

I have to get used to being a writer who doesn't drink no mo. And right when I'm really getting into my memoir work again! It's going well and I'm getting positive feedback from my memoir writing class. ....Remembering now that when I wrote the bulk of it in 2012 I was sober that whole year.

Mark Matousek said, "Moving work here." about my first assignment which happened to be my Intro and Why I Wrote This Book.

DAMN that means a lot to me!

But I'm struggling with drinking thoughts today... not thoughts so much, but just feeling like I described above, and recognizing that it's because I WANT TO DRINK! Oh that I could consistently drink like a normal person. But I can't, so I won't try. Truth be told, even a small amount of alcohol had a negative impact on me.  .........I drank to self-medicate and escape from my illness symptoms too.

I'll stick with healing medicinal cannabis in micro doses, thank you very much!
And I'm getting more and more used to it.